I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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