Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
