Who wears a wallet chain?!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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