I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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