just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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