Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
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why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
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who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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