The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
