Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
