My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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