You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
