Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
