this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
