I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
