Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just had sex on a roof
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
