True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
