My underwear smells like fireworks.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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