i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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