Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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