yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
