Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
