sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
