I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
