don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
