Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
