In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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