Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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