just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
