Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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