once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
