im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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