I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
