You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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