Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
