just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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