May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
