Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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