I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
