I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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