Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
