I bet he comes in French.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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