$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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