She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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