shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
