I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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