Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
