Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
