I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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