The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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