Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
