This is not my ceiling
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
