so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
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