he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
