you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
