first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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