We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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