Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
