i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
