Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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