I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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