Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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