PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
