Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
