I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
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You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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