Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
