Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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